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Dave Allen

There is a debate about origin of the famous "heaven and hell" quote dating way back in 19th century and after little research maybe republican Benjamin Wade formulated it best: "I think, from all I can learn, that heaven has the better climate, but hell has the better company."
There are similar sayings by others like Mark Twain and Peter Pan's father, James M. Barrie but if you research it deeper all the credits actually belong to Niccoló Machiavelli who said on the topic exactly this: "I desire to go to Hell, not to Heaven. In Hell I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, but in Heaven are only beggars, monks, hermits and apostles". Maybe to understand better roman catholic church and its influence in dark ages where both Niccoló Machiavelli and Leonardo da Vinci shared one of the best place to live for free thinkers in 15th century Republic of Florence, the best is to start watching the great TV show called "Da Vinci's Demons". I recommend it fully even though it's PG include lots of sex, nudity, violence, profanity, drugs and intense scenes. Otherwise, including all scriptwriter's fantasy this might be the best show out there this year. Can't wait for the rest of the episodes this summer and for how they will connect Leonardo's undocumented two years of his life with mystical "Book of Leaves".

However this post is not going to be about church or religion or even history and instead, I am sure some of you already guessed by its title, it will be about pure humor. Catholic church wasn't very popular in the republic of Florence when Machiavelli said this first joke about Christianity and its two after life nemesis. Comparing to that period of time, nothing much changed in nowadays religions, especially catholic church since Leonardo's and Niccoló's time, except for one little thing. Thanks to Dave Allen and 20th century comedians we now have one new recognized topic in jokes about religion. Well, telling a joke abut religion live, in form of short sketch comedy for Dave was not really a smooth path. His satirical show on several occasions was banned by some broadcasters and TV stations. Contrary to those offended by his jokes, in communist countries, like in former Yugoslavia where I grew up things was quite the opposite. Communists in charge, in their utopian societies, welcomed all anti-religion performances so we were lucky to watch Dave Allen on regular bases. This is actually the only thing I can thank them for. I enjoyed his jokes very much and not just about the religion. The man was genius.

But before I copy/paste couple of his jokes please go and see the man in this great sketch and how exactly Dave thought the mighty God created all there is in the beginning. I don't know what's more funny, the overall story or fabulous conclusion at the end:

Surely not all in his cabaret was about religion and I guess lots of his acting scenes and him with cigar and glass can be found on the YouTube. For this occasion I chose three one liners and three of his hilarious jokes. Enjoy.

"Am I the Irish comedian with half a finger? No, I'm the Irish comedian with nine and a half fingers."
"A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way."
"I'm an Atheist...Thank God."

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too,
falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!".

He did.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Image ref:

Dave Allen

Niccoló Machiavelli

Da Vinci's Demons

Heaven or Hell?
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